When the opportunity of a lifetime comes at the wrong time

Dude. It’s been forever since I blogged or read a blog (other than other mommy journals and Julius Goat’s LOST recaps).

I haven’t played poker online in...I can’t even remember.

My live poker has dwindled to maybe twice a month.

The Pokertart is feeling decidedly less...tart, these days.

I just caught up on all my bloglines feeds. It felt weird – almost like I was eavesdropping. I’ve been pondering why, after it was such a big part of my life, poker has fallen by the wayside. I do still watch it on TV (oh lordy do those GoDaddy commercials featuring Vanessa Rousso make me cringe), but for the most part, I’ve put it on the back burner. Of course, H has a lot to do with it. Becoming a parent sucks a whole lot of energy out of you – but there’s more...I think it boils down to an opportunity I turned down, and how it has made me view poker.

When H was 4 months old, I turned down a ‘dream’ job in the poker industry. I had verbally accepted, but it took over 6 weeks for the contract to get put through, and by the time it arrived, I was simply too exhausted, physically and mentally, to contemplate taking a new job, especially one that would require travel, as this one did. I don’t regret my decision – I love my current job, and I know I made the right choice for where I was in my life then. But I do wonder what might have been had I taken that job.

I think a part of me is afraid to embrace poker as I did before I had H, because if I do, perhaps I’ll find myself full of regret. If I dive into the poker world with as much enthusiasm as I had a year ago, will I long for a life I turned down?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

***
The other day, Banky mentioned that he’d like us to try and win our way to the 2010 WSOP. H will be almost 2 then, so will definitely be able to stay with my parents for a few days. I kind of like the idea of working towards a goal in poker...and I’d still like to be the first woman to win the Main Event.

C’mon now, a Pokertart can dream, can’t she?

H to the E to the L to the L to the Yeah!

In.

Does it ever get easier?

How do you Moms and Dads out there do it?

I'm STILL exhuasted, and grumpy, and I just want to sleep.

Please, please tell me it gets easier than this.

life tilt

I'm sick and tired and grumpy. I should not play poker like this...ever. Down two SNGs and a full buy-in at PLOHL. Bah.

At least I have this to cheer me up:

Feeling the felt again

I started getting butterflies shortly after dinner. I looked at the digital clock on the DVR as Banky fast-forwarded through the commercials on an episode of last week’s Poker After Dark.

7:18

“Is there money upstairs?” I asked. “Because I don’t have any on me.”

“Yes.” Banky replied. “I monied last week, remember?”

Right.

7:26

“What time should I leave?”

Banky looked at me like I had just sprouted a 2nd head.

“It’s 5 minutes away. Leave 5 minutes before you want to get there.”

Right. Of course.

The butterflies continued, and I started to feel silly. I’ve played more poker than I can remember. This was just a small game. The Thursday league. I’ve played with these guys over 100 times. Why was I feeling so nervous?

I had been looking forward to this night ever since Banky and I decided that we would rejoin the league after a one season absence. By alternating weeks, one of us would be able to play while the other stays home with little Tartwell.

But despite my anticipation – or perhaps because of it – I was a bundle of nerves.

Luckily, the nerves dissipated as soon as I walked into the home of the league director. Before I even saw anyone, I heard familiar voices and the riffle of chips. As I rounded the corner I was greeted with big smiles and a handshake. “Welcome back! You’re in seat 8”

And so it began.

I played average poker and finished 7th, but had a great time doing it.

Three months and nary a chip nor a card graced my hands. In the throes of new motherhood I lost many parts of myself - sitting at a poker table reminded me of an old part of me. A part I liked, a part I missed.

I'm back and boy does it ever feel good.

That's a lot of candles!

Warning: Poker content=0%

I’m 33 years old today. I’m not sure where I thought I’d be at 33, but I’m very content with where I’ve ended up.

Taking stock of my life…

Good column:
Handsome, funny husband who truly loves me.
Healthy son.
Positive (but not perfect) relationship with my parents.
A handful of smart, interesting, funny friends.
Nice house (with lots of potential).
Great job that pays me well.

Needs work column:
Weight is too high.
Fitness level is pretty weak.
Health isn’t ideal (kidneys)
Don’t spend enough time with friends.

The weight and fitness issues really go hand-in-hand. I’ll be starting Weight Watchers again once Henry reaches 6 weeks, and by that time I should be ready to get more serious about adding activity into my program. I really have no excuse, since we have a treadmill. And while improving the weight & fitness issues won’t eliminate my kidney disease, getting healthier will minimize the impact on my long-term health.

The friend issue has always been a tough one for me. I find it very hard to grow and maintain friendships. This year I’ve met some amazing people, but I find it hard to deepen those casual friendships. I also have some wonderful, loving people in my life, but I don’t make the effort to communicate with and spend more time with those people. Changing that would have a huge, positive, impact on my life.

Overall, I’ve got a great life and I’m happy. Not too shabby for 33.

Happy Birthday to me.

back in the saddle

It only took 3 weeks for the poker bug to hit. Henry has gotten into a bit of a routine, and will happily sleep in my arms as I use the computer one handed, so I've been able to play a little poker this week.

Before he was born, I used some FT points and played a 600 point token tourney...winner gets a $26 token. I won that and played another tourney and won a $75 token, and then played a 3rd tourney and won over $200 in $T. I then played some micro limit SNGs, so I had a little over $13, plus the $T at the start of this week.

I've been playing micro limit PLOHL as well as some tourneys. Apart from winning a $5 HORSE sng, the tourneys have been rough...getting deep but not moneying. The micro PLOHL however, has been a cash cow.

It's been fun to play, because it gives me something to think about other than the colour and consistency of Henry's poop.

Better than flopping a Royal Flush

Meet Henry



He was born at 6:46 on Wednesday, July 9th. He weighed in at a respectable 6lbs 9oz.

The birth was traumatic and the first 9 days were the most exhuasting (mentally, physically, and emotionally) of my life. But he's perfectly healthy, and so lovely and amazing.

He looks just like Banky (minus the goatee).

Poker is on the back-burner for now....any time not spent tending to Henry is spent trying to sleep. Hopefully I'll get back on the poker wagon when things settle into a more regular routine.

Busto!

It's official, I am busto. Well, at least online.

My FullTilt account contains the princely sum of $1.67. I'm so sick of the terrible beats (I know, 'wahhhhhh', but it's been bad for months), that I'm not sure I'm going to even bother reloading.

Live poker is the shizz anyway. Man I wish I was in Vegas right now.

Donkey crushes my horse!

A friend and fellow Thursday Night leaguer decided to play in WSOP Event #2 and offered up shares....I snapped up 10% because he's one of the best poker players I know.

I woke up this morning, checked my email and got a note from another backer....our Horse had been snapped off by a donkey. My horsey had AK, K on the flop....all the money goes in and he gets called by QQ. You guessed it....Q on the river.

I told Banky that all J had to do was avoid the bad beat pitfalls, and he'd do really well.

Ah well, there's always another tournament!

If you aren't already, run, don't walk to Tao of Poker. Seriously - there's no WSOP coverage like Pauly's.

And while I won't be able to make any Wsop tournaments this year, I may try a hand at some of the non-Hold'em MSOP tourneys on FullTilt. I love me some LO8 and SHL!

In need of a laugh?

If you haven't already, you must read Bam-Bam's post about Youranus.

Expose on the UltimateBet and Absolute Poker scandals

Through Pauly's blog, I found this article. I was already well aware of the Absolute scandal, but was only marginally aware of the situation with UltimateBet.

I post this excerpt from the "Intro" to the article, as well as the link to the entire thing, because I believe that we, as poker players and enthusiasts are responsible for protecting the integrity of the game. Only by shining the light into the dark corners of the world we inhabit, can we claim the game we love is a healthy pursuit. By chosing apathy, we're as bad as the cheaters and theives.

Please read and pass along to your poker playing friends.


I believe that it is important for online poker players to know about the unethical business practices of UltimateBet and Absolute Poker. It is also imperative to understand that these unscrupulous activities are not an indictment on the entire online poker industry. As you read this thread please keep in mind that UltimateBet and Absolute Poker are owned by the same company. They are also regulated by the same puppet regulatory commission. Most poker sites are run with the utmost integrity and security. UltimateBet and Absolute Poker are the exception and not the rule.

I urge the concerned reader to pass word of this summary on to other interested parties. The spread of this information will ultimately protect poker players from unknowingly exposing themselves to the corruption detailed below.

The full summary of the cheating scandals can be found here:

Superusers and Silence: How UltimateBet let players get cheated for millions

Poker + BBQ + Ice Cream cake = Pokertart heaven

I’m feeling like utter crap right now, due to a life circumstance that I won’t bore you with the details on; suffice it to say that I’ve learned a very valuable and expensive life lesson about trust.

Now onto some pokery goodness that will, hopefully, bring me out of my bad mood.

Saturday night Banky and I hosted a “season ending party” for the Thursday Night league. It was a tradition started after Season 2 (I think) where the season champ would host a little get together. Early on in the league, it was often either Banky or I who won the season, so we hosted our fair share of parties. A few others have also hosted, but for the past few seasons, there’s been no party. (Some recent season champs have not been very...um...hospitable or gracious about their wins. But that’s another story!)

This season’s champ has shown no interest in socializing with anyone outside of the game – so it wasn’t looking likely that there would be a party. Since I likely won’t be returning to the league for a while due to impeding baby arrival, I thought it was appropriate that Banky and I share some BBQ, Beer, and Bad Beats with our fellow leaguers.

Most of the regulars were able to make it, along with some wives & babies! It was a real ‘family affair’ (at least until the poker started). We had SO much food...I had the basics covered (burgers, dogs, salads), and almost everyone brought something...including a delish ice cream cake & of course, beer.

Since the league also invented a game we call “Polish Poker” (after one of the league members who is polish) we also had some interesting Polish beer, vodka and a cabbage & kielbasa stew!

We socialized & ate for quite awhile before the game started. It was awesome to be on the deck in our backyard. It was the perfect temperature, and everyone seemed really relaxed. At one point, I was laughing so hard (the topic was ‘at home vasectomy kits’ – with Banky acting out the scenario) that I thought ‘life doesn’t get better than this”.

After a couple hours, we descended into our rec room for the tournament. I busted out first after about an hour and a half. All in on the flop, I had top pair (Queens), opponent had Jack-high flush draw. He gets there. I play on FullTilt, so I wasn’t surprised.

Once about half of the players were out of the tourney, we started a cash game – I was up and down the whole night, and ended up down $30, but it was all good. Banky was up overall (I think).

It was just a good time overall, and exactly what I was hoping for. It’s nice to share a good meal, a good game, and some good laughs with people. You know?

Seriously?

Ok. Who did I piss off, that out of the last dozen online tournaments I've played, I've lost critical pots when my opponent catches a miracle card on the river?

I'm about to lose my mind.

Um. Yeah.

I have a crapload of work to do, and yet can't get motivated to do anything.

That's bad, right?

Just a little poker...

I had a couple days off last week due to doctor’s appointments, but was able to squeeze in some poker.

I won a single-table satellite into the super-sat for the SHL FTOPS game on Friday night, but couldn’t close the deal. I would have liked to play that FTOPS event…SHL is one of my favourite games right now. But alas, it was not meant to be. I was pretty proud of my performance in the single-table sat though. I was short stack when we were down to 3 (only 1st got into the super-satellite), and I crushed my opponents. I think they were each sitting back to let the other player take me out, so I was able to steal a few pots, and once I got enough chips, I was able to play again.

It felt great to take it down.

In the afternoon on Friday I talked Banky into playing the $20 lunch time HORSE game on FullTilt. I had signed up from home, and he was having a quiet day at work. He said that if it was a ‘small game’ he’d sign up. He signed up with 18 seconds to spare, and took it down. It was really fun railing him from a distance.

At one point he was VERY short stacked – and I told him that he could still win it. I don’t think he believed me, but soon enough, he was rebuilding, and then when it got 3 handed, I knew he would win.

We don’t have any ‘live’ games on tap for this week….and that’s kind of weird. We usually have at least 1 game to look forward to. I think this week is going to feel a little extra long!

Feelin' good

I like playing poker for many reasons, most of them selfish. I like the feeling of winning, I like that there’s something ‘competitive’ that I’m good at (sometimes), I like the camaraderie that (hopefully) exists at the table, I like watching my poker fund grow. But sometimes, there are better reasons to play.

On Saturday night, Banky and I played at Woody’s house, in a game he organized to raise money for mitochondrial disease research. Unfortunately, one of the regulars we play with every other Monday has a very close connection to Mitochondrial disease; his nephew lived with the disease since shortly after birth until he passed away this winter at age 6. Every game we play at Woody’s we donate $10/player to the Mito March (the big annual fundraiser), but this game was a bit different...it was a rebuy game where 20% of the prize pool would go to the Mito March.

Woody designed a great structure – very player friendly. And between the tournament and the “Mito Tip Jar” that we used in the cash game afterwards, we raised $700.

That makes going out on the bubble a little easier for me ;)

It’s safe to say that Banky had more fun than I did (if that’s possible). I think when he relaxes and doesn’t care about the result so much, he gets much better results.

I did make my buy-in back in the cash game, and had a HUGE amount of fun, so it was definitely a good night. The only drawback:

Playing from 8pm–3am + 7 months pregnant = swollen ankles of hilariously disgusting proportions.

For more info on what we raised money for, visit: http://www.mitomarch.ca/

Escape from working and pseudo-philosophy

I’ve been writing a design document on a big project for pretty much the entire day. It’s safe to say my brain is fried. What better way to ease a sizzled melon than with a blog post?!

Last night was the Thursday League’s season-ending game (each season is 12 weeks long). I went out 15th out of 16th. Boooo. Is there any solace in not being the chump? Not really!

Just like my play there for most of the season, I just couldn’t make things happen. It’s funny, I actually almost broke even this season due to a few money finishes, but overall – it just hasn’t been a good run. I never went on a tear – every money finish was a real scraping battle.

Due to the impending arrival of the Spawn (tm Cayne) I won’t participate in the next season, and I’m glad for the break. I nearly stopped going last season as I was so dissatisfied with the structure – but changes were made, and the game improved tremendously…but the truth is, I still need a break. I’m just not ‘feeling it’ right now.

Truth be told, I haven’t felt on my game for awhile now – and while I hadn’t seriously considered it before, a couple comments to my last entry made me realize that being pregnant probably does have something to do with it! Being tired, nauseous, worried, tired, excited, tired, achy, tired and tired surely doesn’t help my poker game.

I’m still going to play until the baby is born (well, maybe not right up to the minute!) but I think I’m going to give myself a little break on the results part, and just enjoy the game for the sake of playing.

***

Banky didn’t have a great game either last night – and if you’ve read Banky's blog or played with him, you know he’s an emotional player. He takes losing very hard. Over time we’ve come to a bit of an understanding…he vents, I listen, and then it’s over.

I’ve recently been reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth – and while it has absolutely nothing to do with poker, I had a lightbulb moment last night with Banky as we were rehashing the game.

I won’t even try to summarize Tolle’s theories as they are complex and not easy to explain (at least by this Tart) But he talks a lot about how the ego in us (i.e. the voice in our head) is different from who we really are (the ‘being’ who is aware of the voice in our head), and how the ego is always trying to identify with thoughts and things, to distract us from truly living in the present moment. One of the ways that the ego does this is through complaining,and as Banky vented last night, I realized that he was totally identifying with the results of his poker game. It was as if the bad beats, or bad cards, or bad luck were somehow a reflection of him…when the reality of the situation was NONE OF IT MATTERED.

Right there, in that moment, as we were sitting side by side with each other – did it matter who won, or who lost? Did the turn of a card have any impact on who he was? Even if he had won, did it change who he was as a being?

Clearly the answer was no. I think it was an interesting discussion, and I know Banky came out of 'venting' mode a lot sooner than usual!

Any book that can do that, has got to be a keeper. Hopefully Banky will read my copy when I'm done.

Out of sight, out of mind

I guess blogging is the ultimate “what have you done for me lately?” The love, she is gone. I’m not even sure Banky checks here any more.

I’m still feeling rather craptastic about my poker results these days. I think I’ve identified a couple of weaknesses in my live game – most notably, allowing myself to be bet off of hands. When I was feeling more confident about my game, I’d make those tough calls. Now I’m finding myself folding much more easily.

And then there’s the leak of getting drawn out on but there’s not much I can do about that one ;)

I hadn’t played online since we got back from Key West….I’ve been too busy or too tired. But decided to try a couple SNG’s this weekend. Banky convinced me to try an online tool (I forget what it’s called…Tournament Indicator I think?)….you get a free trial for 2 days, so I downloaded it. Essentially it helps categorize the players in the SNG based on their play in that game, and also help you determine the strength of your current hand against various other potential hands.

I’ve avoided using any tools at all, because I view them as a crutch….but my results couldn’t get much worse, and when you’re crippled, you need a crutch, no? I did find it helpful to some degree….the hand-strength thing really opened my eyes to how I ws over-valuing some hands, and in general playing way too loose for online SNGs. It also helped me focus on my play.

My results were good (I played 2 games, 1st in one, 3rd in the other. The 3rd was due to a really big mistake I made ). Insignificant sample size, but I felt better about playing…so that’s got to count for something.

Aside from poker, I'm still working away at growing this human. Pregnancy is so wacky!

I’m starting to feel the physical effects at my regular live games. My back & legs are pretty sore most of the time…so sitting in folding chairs isn’t the best. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to keep playing. I’m not due until mid-July…so hopefully I can keep it up for a little while longer!

I wonder how many other mothers-to-be have this concern? I’m such a degenerate.

Check out the Tart in baby-making splendor. This was almost 3 weeks ago in Key West…I’m even bigger now – sheesh.

pity party

I'm in a bad poker place.

I'm so sick of the bad beats. Plus I'm probably playing like shit.

We have our team game thing coming up again on Saturday - and I'm not looking forward to it. I can just feel the cloud over my head.

Thank god we leave for Key West on Sunday.