Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Not the news I thought I'd be sharing

I write this blog anonymously – mostly so that I can write freely without worry that the bigwigs at my corporate job will find out about my poker deviancy, but also to give me the ability to write freely without worry of self-incrimination (especially when talking about other players I play with, or about my craptastic play). Despite this, I’ve hesitated to write anything really personal. The closest I got was my “7 things” post which was incredibly fun to write. I’m not sure why I haven’t shared more of myself here – especially considering that some of my favourite bloggers (Pauly, Amy, Change, CC) are very open and weave their life into their poker blogs. I guess much of it has to do with fear. Fear of not writing well enough to interest anyone. Fear that I’d pour my heart out and no one would read it (or care) – except for dear Banky who reads everything (and when he doesn’t I bug him until he does). Fear that my life isn’t interesting enough to write about. Maybe all that is true - but even if it is, if I wrote more about ME, maybe I’d get more out of the experience of writing, and of life.

So dear readers reader, I’m jumping into the deep end.

I hinted in my last post about dealing with life in a good way, and I had hoped to be able to share some good news with everyone (ok, anyone?) reading my blog, but life takes some funny turns. A few months ago Banky and I found out we were going to be parents – the Tart was with tartlet. Unfortunately 13 days ago, during my first ultrasound, I found out that the baby I was carrying was no longer alive, and 4 days later I miscarried. It’s been an incredibly difficult time for both of us – but we’re dealing. What on earth does this have to do with poker? Well nothing, really, but poker has everything to do with how I’ve been dealing with the loss.

Between the ultrasound and the miscarriage I left for a family vacation and with me I brought the Full Tilt Strategy Guide to Tournament Poker by Michael Craig. I’m more than halfway through and it’s awesome….I know I’ll have to reread quite a bit of it. The book, and the concepts shared in it, brought me lots of needed distraction during a difficult time. After the miscarriage, and after talking and tears, I knew Banky and I were going to be ok when we started talking poker again. It was like a sign that our life was not over because of this one situation. We are still the same two poker dorks who relive the best (and worst) hands we’ve played, who look forward to our weekly games with childish anticipation, and who PVR Poker After Dark so we can make fun of Annie Duke.

I just got back to work from vacation and it was weird coming into the office where only a handful of people knew I was pregnant (and who consequently now know that I am no longer pregnant). I used to have this big happy secret, and now I have another, sadder one. I found it really hard to concentrate so I turned to catching up on my poker blogs. Tao of Poker was my first stop, naturally, and I’ve been engaged in tales of CK Hua’s man-purse, Sartre’s lobster, and of course, reading about Pauly’s WSOP cash. Even though I’m not part of the poker-blogger circle who all know each other – it’s felt good to get immersed back into their world.

After I spent some time reading, it occurred to me just how much poker is a part of my life. Even though I haven’t played a game since I found out our sad news – reading about it, talking about it, watching it – it has all helped me get back to feeling normal. Well – as normal as I ever was.

So that’s the scoop on me and where I am in my life right now. I was almost a mother. Now I’m back to the 30-something poker player trying to find her way.


AlCantHang said...

Very sad to hear that. Stay

Anonymous said...

You said: "Even though I’m not part of the poker-blogger circle..."

You are part of the poker circle.
We need you-- hang in there,

Larry W. Phillips
("Zen and the Art of Poker")

Craig Cunningham said...

My prayers are with you, PokerTart. There are no good explanations for these things, and I hope each day is better for you. Let me know if I can do anything.

katitude said...

You play poker, you m'dear, ARE in the circle.

I'm sorry to hear your news...big hugs are sent your way.

I'm off on my summer vacation, so perhaps we can get together at Brantford or the Falls to meet and play soon.

katitude said...

Tart, got your comment, drop me a line at badkatitude at gmail dot com and we'll set something up...I love meeting poker bloggers!!!

Instant Tragedy: Just Add Sean said...

Sometimes the ones who have all the control are not us, and we need to understand that with hope and prayer we can attempt to barely understand the pain that you feel.

I cannot say nor understand the pain you are in, but know that we are praying, hoping and wishing you the best.

My ex and I lost the first child in our first attempt and it haunted me until the most special one in my life came, my daughter Shelby. Then 3 years later, Ryan was born.

I wish I could make the pain go away Tart, but it's like a bad beat. You remember them for only so long and then they are gone replaced by your own good luck.

I wish you nothing but happiess


Amy said...

PT, I was saddened to read this and my thoughts are with you. It's the bad beat that people seldom talk about and one far more common than one would think. My prayers have you taking your next event to a bracelet finish.